Bonus Episode 5: Medical Students

The gang reminisce . . . most of them.

Transcript:

SOUND: INCOMING COMMS CALL

FAYE          Answer that, would you, Sec?

SEC: AFFIRMATIVE PING

SOUND: COMMS ANSWERED

FAYE          Hi! Are they here? I’ll come meet you.

XAELEST    They’re not coming. One second -

SOUND: BEEPING THROUGH THE COMMS LINE, OUTGOING COMMS SOUND, COMMS ANSWERED

DAKARAI   No. Thank. You.

XAELEST    Sorry?

DAKARAI   I. Do. Not. Want. To. Buy. More. Van. Der. Graaf. Generators.

XAELEST    Rai, it’s me.

FAYE          And me!

XAELEST    What do you mean more - ?

DAKARAI   Oh! Hi, my lovelies, are the students here?

XAELEST    They’re not coming.

DAKARAI   Aww, I love having med students.

FAYE          Me too. Did they say why?

XAELEST    I neither know nor particularly care.

DAKARAI   Aw come on, Dr Adra. Med students are so fun! Do you not remember being young and fun?

XAELEST    Not particularly. . . 

FAYE          I think med school was more like a string of embarrassments and then they gave you a degree. Did I ever tell you I fainted in front of the entire year in the first week because I had to have a blood test?

DAKARAI   Awww.

FAYE          It was awful. It was low gravity in the corridors too, so I was just floating past everyone.

XAELEST    Didn’t anyone help you?

DAKARAI   First year medical students? What are they going to do?

FAYE          Um, well, they were about to call the ambucrew because I did wee myself but I came round.

DAKARAI   You - ! Bash my basins. I’d’ve gone straight home to Earth.

XAELEST    That is unfortunate . . .

FAYE          It was more than unfortunate. The annoying thing about medicine is that you can’t exactly get away from talking about urine as well so the jokes lingered.

SEC: TYPING ON SCREEN

FAYE          Kind of like the smell of my pee. Yes, thank you, Sec.

DAKARAI   Could have been worse! I did an interspecies elective block and, on the first day, was asked to take a history from a neritopod, so I obviously went inside his shell and started asking him the questions.

XAELEST    Stars.

FAYE          Oh my stars, Rai. I can’t - why didn’t they stop you?!

DAKARAI   [Laughs] My supervisor came in after a few minutes and literally hauled me out. I have never been more covered in mucus than on that day.

SEC: NEGATIVE PING

FAYE          [Disgusted noise]

DAKARAI   [Laugh] Is that Sec?

FAYE          Yeah.

DAKARAI   Tell him not to knock it until he’s tried it. My skin felt amazing after.

FAYE          Oh [laugh], speaking of skin. I went objectively far too long on my dermatology placement telling people that skin lesions were well-circumcised instead of circumscribed.

XAELEST    That explains a lot.

FAYE          And, oh my stars, I - [Laugh] - I was asked to examine a themite once when I was a student and I asked her to roll over she like kept her head perfectly still and just twisted her whole spine and - I screamed.

DAKARAI   [Laughs]

XAELEST    Faye.

FAYE          I - In my defence - I thought she’d just broken her whole spinal . . . situation!

DAKARAI   I had to stop going to theatre because the first time I went I accidentally put a tusk cover on my head instead of a scrub cap.

FAYE          [Laughs]

XAELEST    You’re joking.

DAKARAI   And then, when I was trying to get signed off for scrubbing in, I accidentally took the gloves that had been laid out for the head surgeon.

FAYE          Uhoh.

XAELEST    I’m being deadly serious when I say that I would have eaten you alive if you did that to me.

DAKARAI   [Laughs]

XAELEST    No, I’m not joking.

DAKARAI   I remember how you were, I don’t doubt it!

FAYE          I never got kicked out of theatre but I did once have to stand in silence for four hours after I told the surgeon very confidently that the liver was a lung.

DAKARAI   It’s easily done.

XAELEST    No, it’s not.

FAYE          What’s your best story, Xael?

XAELEST    I don’t have one.

FAYE          Come on! There must be something! Never had your scrub bottoms fall down during an operation?

XAELEST    No?

DAKARAI   Never slept with a perfect stranger only to find out that they’re your educational supervisor for the next orbit?

XAELEST    Absolutely not.

FAYE          There must be something.

SEC: TYPING ON SCREEN

FAYE          Oh my stars [laughing].

XAELEST    What?

FAYE          Sec says that the Prof once examined a student doing a testicular exam and he’d forgotten to also examine the abdomen so they asked him if there was any else he’d like to do to complete the examination and he [laugh] got out his stethoscope and listened to the patient’s scrotum.

DAKARAI   [Laughing] They told me about this! See, this is why I love medical students.

FAYE          What was he even listening for?

XAELEST    If you had a suspicion of herniated bowel you might hear bowel sounds.

DAKARAI   He had a suspicion he was about to fail his exam when the Prof left the room to keep from laughing. 

FAYE          Sure you don’t have anything you want to admit, Xael? Everyone makes mistakes.

XAELEST    I’m well aware. [She is not happy at this comment and fun time is most definitely over] There are patients waiting to be seen. Can you both do some work, please?

[Pause]

Call me if you need me.

SOUND: COMMS CALL ENDED

FAYE          So . . . any idea what she’s hiding?

DAKARAI   [Laughs, trails off] . . . Nope! [Laughs] I can’t believe you wet yourself in your first week.

FAYE          Ah, I shouldn’t have told you that.

DAKARAI   Wetwood.

FAYE          Seriously?

DAKARAI   Under . . . [He makes to say ‘piss’]

FAYE          If you finish that word, I’m gonna to tell Xaelest that you’re siphoning lab money for Van Der Graaf Generators.

DAKARAI   She can pry them out of my statically charged hands.