35. [BLEEP]
[BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP]
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Transcript
[SOUND: Bleep, incessant]
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen, questioning ping]
[SOUND: Door opens, CALYXY footsteps as she enters, bleep buttons]
CALYXY
[Sigh] Where is she?
[SEC: typing on screen, affirmative ping]
[SOUND: Bleep buttons]
Can you call this number, please?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
DOOTHGRUND
[Speaking in another language, a low rumble with lots of repeated sounds]
CALYXY
Oh! No, sorry! Can you - Could you repeat that in quotidian please?
DOOTHGRUND
[More incomprehensible speech]
CALYXY
Or turn your translator on? Turn your translator on!
Sec, please can you - ?
[SEC: affirmative ping, file open]
DOOTHGRUND
[Ongoing doothgrund language in the background]
Droothluck, medic speaking.
CALYXY
Calyxy, nurse at the Vesta Clinic, I’m returning your bleep about the Adrilaen, how can we help?
DOOTHGRUND
Patient come to me, fresh from change cocoon. Three day fresh.
CALYXY
Yes?
DOOTHGRUND
Try to take form of Doothgrund. Big. Strong. Good crew member, yes?
CALYXY
Yes.
DOOTHGRUND
NO! Tried to hide tiny calibuman hands in big doothgrund gloves! No good for ship equipment. Captain very not happy.
CALYXY
I see. We have an Adrilaen doctor here who would be happy to take a look at her. How far away are you?
DOOTHGRUND
Too late. Bleep too many time and no answer. We take her back to Pasiphae. Captain very not happy.
CALYXY
Oh, well. I’m sorry to hear that. Please do get back in touch if you need any further assistance.
DOOTHGRUND
Good bye.
[SOUND: call ended, door opening, FAYE enters, door closing]
FAYE
Everything alright?
CALYXY
You’re lucky I caught you without your bleep and not Dr Adra.
FAYE
I consider myself blessed to have you every day, Calyxy, so . . .
CALYXY
Do some work, please.
[SOUND: scene transition]
[SOUND: bleep, bleep buttons]
[SEC: questioning ping]
FAYE
Ooh, a throptrix. I hope it’s not an eye problem!
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Because they have, like, sixty eyes and six thousand things that can be wrong with them.
[SOUND: bleep buttons, outgoing comms call, answered]
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Hi - is this one of the doctors?
FAYE
Yeah, speaking, how can I help?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Um, hi, I’m calling from the ship My’win’yun. We’re out by Itokawa and you’re the nearest interspecies clinic we could contact . . . sorry.
FAYE
That’s okay. You’ve got a sick crew member we need to see?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
No, not really. Maybe. I was hoping just for some advice?
FAYE
Okay. Sure. Just, um, what’s your role on the ship? You’re the medic?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Yeah - one of them. The senior clinician is back in cryo. I don’t have the most experience with throptrix, sorry . . .
FAYE
Yeah, understandable. Do you wanna tell me the story?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Sure. So one of our pilots is a throptrix, um, I don’t know if you need her details but her name is Yl’unh Mge’t’r [ill-oon m-gay-t-rr]. We picked her up from Haumea, and she’s due to be flying us back to the Kuiper Belt after our last extraction tomorrow. Um, but she came to see me this morning. She’s having some problems with her vision and she’s -
[SEC: typing on screen]
FAYE
[Quietly, laugh, cut-off swear] Shush.
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Sorry?
FAYE
Oh, no! Sorry! A colleague just - distracted me. Please, go on.
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Oh, right. It’s just, she’s worried that it might affect her ability to fly us home safely.
FAYE
Okay. What problems is she having specifically?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
She’s describing some fuzziness and some pain in several eyes. It’s worse at the end of the shift. No flashing or floaters. She gets a sensation of pressure in her middle, behind her eyes, sometimes.
FAYE
Has she been sick?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Uh, no.
FAYE
And has she lost vision at any point?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
She doesn’t think so, no.
FAYE
And this is a brand new problem?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
She said it’s been getting worse for the last few tendays.
FAYE
Okay. Did you examine her?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Yeah! Her eyes look okay.
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen]
FAYE
Um, what do you mean by that?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
I couldn’t see anything when I looked at them, they’re all green, no discharge or anything.
FAYE
Okay. Fine. I’m going to send you a virtual pack of throptrix assessment aids, for visual acuity and colour discrimination. If you have a fundoscope on board, it’d be good to look into each eye and check the retinas. I appreciate that throptrix eyes are daunting to examine, there’s a chart in the pack to help make sure you don’t miss any.
The most likely thing to be wrong here is a refractive error, which you might find on assessment. But the eye pain is bothering me. If it’s eye strain then that’s different, but true eye pain with reduced visual acuity needs a tonometry assessment. If you’ve assessed her and you’re still not sure, there’s a good optician on Europa who sees throptrix. I can send you xyr details too.
Does that make sense?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Yeah, yeah, it does, thank you.
FAYE
Uh. Oh! I don’t know if your ship has it, but in some models, you can adjust the convexity of the screens to adjust for refractive error.
Just be sure to check the travel guidance, she might still be able to fly legally if her acuity is satisfactory and she takes regular breaks to rest her eyes.
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Alright.
FAYE
Okay?
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Yep, yeah. Thank you.
FAYE
No problem. And, obviously, you can call us back if you’re unsure of anything.
MY'WIN'YUN DOCTOR
Thanks so much.
FAYE
Thanks, bye!
[SOUND: comms call over]
[SEC: file open, file sent]
Thank you. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Nice, thanks. Let me tell you about this patient Xael’s got in with her. Fe’s got this rash . . .
[SOUND: scene transition]
[SOUND: Bleep, bleep buttons]
FAYE
Another one!
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[SOUND: outgoing comms call, connected]
YTHANGROSK
Ythangrosk, C unit medical officer.
FAYE
Hi, it’s Faye, Vesta Clinic. I’m returning a bleep.
YTHANGROSK
Thank you, Dr Faye. I was hoping to speak to someone who can help us with a patient on our base.
FAYE
I’ll try my best! Who are we talking about?
YTHANGROSK
Goothgrandgrask, Base ID 43642. They are mixed species.
FAYE
Oh?
YTHANGROSK
One progenitor was ceresaur, the other was doothgrund.
FAYE
Okay.
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen]
[Quick, amused breath]
YTHANGROSK
They have relocated to Ceres a few months ago and have been noticing some issues with their feathers.
FAYE
Is that - ? Parietal feathers?
YTHANGROSK
They have feathers . . . everywhere.
FAYE
Okay. I can see how that might be beyond your usual area of expertise.
YTHANGROSK
Quite.
FAYE
What issues have they noticed?
YTHANGROSK
The patient had blue feathers - [Interrupted]
[Hiss, they are a little irked] Apologies, the patient would like me to inform you that the feathers were a deep, gorgeous blue.
FAYE
Uh, noted?
YTHANGROSK
They have been this way since maturity but they have noticed areas of pink last week - [interrupted] - pink does not match any of their outfits, I am told [hiss]. Then, yesterday, they turned brown.
Goothgrandgrask is finding this . . . distressssing.
FAYE
I’m sure they are. Are any feathers falling out?
YTHANGROSK
No.
FAYE
And is it all feathers, or just some?
YTHANGROSK
Patches, at a time.
FAYE
Hm. How have they found the move?
YTHANGROSK
. . . Excuse me. I will confer.
[SOUND: beep as call muted, door, footsteps as XAELEST enters, door closing]
XAELEST
You’re on a call?
FAYE
Ceresaur-doothgrund mixed species being with colour changing feathers since they moved back to Ceres. I’m wondering if it’s some kind of biopsychosocial adaptation to the stress of moving?
Sec, we are muted, right?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
I get the impression that they’re a little highly strung and the community isn’t as welcoming as they’d hoped.
XAELEST
They moved recently?
YTHANGROSK
Excuse me, doctor?
FAYE
Hi, yeah?
YTHANGROSK
The move has been very stressful. Goothgrandgrask’s accommodation was not as advertised and they miss home.
XAELEST
[Butting in] Have they painted the new accommodation?
YTHANGROSK
Excuse me?
FAYE
Sorry, this is Dr Adra -
XAELEST
Have they painted the walls?
YTHANGROSK
[Pause] Yes.
XAELEST
What colours have they painted the walls?
YTHANGROSK
[Pause] I appear to have wasted your time. My apologies.
FAYE
It’s okay! If they need to speak to -
[SOUND: call ended]
Oh.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Oh, it all goes on. Doothgrund, ceresaur, why not?
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
[Laugh] Dr Adra’s arms are a vivid green, which is how I should have know I was on the wrong track.
XAELEST
That’s getting old.
FAYE
He’s right though.
XAELEST
I’m going to start wearing long sleeves and gloves.
FAYE
Aw, don’t do that.
XAELEST
If I take the bleep, please can you see the vomiting human who’s about to dock?
[SEC: negative ping, negative ping]
I’m not asking you.
FAYE
Ugh, fine. Seeing as you just saved me and that ceresaur some extreme medical embarrassment.
[SOUND: chair]
XAELEST
I spoke to Asmaada. By the way.
FAYE
Oh?
XAELEST
Well, I wrote her a letter. Brief. Professional.
FAYE
That’s you.
I’m sure she’ll be happy to read it.
XAELEST
Hm.
Pass me that.
FAYE
Yes, boss.
[SOUND: bleep hot-potatoed, footsteps, door]
XAELEST
Call me if you need me.
[SOUND: scene transition]
INT. XAELEST’s Clinic room.
[SOUND: bleep, buttons]
Computer. Call Calyxy.
COMPUTER
Calling C L’Torra
[SOUND: outgoing call, connected]
Calyxy? Is everything okay?
CALYXY
I’ve just had a strange message from an approaching vessel. I’m going to patch you through. [Annoyed] He’s a crawl-in.
XAELEST
Okay?
[SOUND: call connected]
The Vesta Clinic, Dr Adra speaking.
ALN
Dr Adra! Just the very person I was hoping to see.
XAELEST
Do I know you?
ALN
Not yet!
My name is Aln! I’m a trundle from what you would know as Kepler-186f. We call our home planet Gandrian, as in Gandrian-twinned-with-Earth since we both consist of more water than land.
Go the wet stuff!
It’s funny talking to someone from a species that evolved out of water to land. Our lot started on land and decided water was the way forward.
XAELEST
Aln?
ALN
Trundles get a bit of grief on Gandrian, on account of being bottom feeders. You know? “What’s the difference between a Trundle and a lawyer? One’s a slimy bottom feeder and the other is a trundle!”
[Expansive laughter at own joke]
XAELEST
How did you get this number, Aln?
ALN
At least we have the advantage of being very well adapted to working in almost pitch dark. We can single-handedly trundle a dark ship on ultra-low energy without even blinking an eye. Figuratively AND literally.
And here’s my problem, Dr Adra. I was on a break from pilot’s duty and just glanced - really, it was the tiniest peek - through an unfiltered viewing screen and I think I suffered from some kind of lens flare. I can still see in the dark, but this blind spot is really weeding me out.
Is there anything you can do to help out? I’m trying to keep this just between us. I don’t need to be retired just yet, there are mouths to feed back home, if you get me.
Wink.
XAELEST
[Opens her mouth, gobsmacked breath of disbelief]
ALN
Are you there, Dr Adra?
XAELEST
Yes. [More sure] Yes.
So . . . you’re the patient?
ALN
Absolutely, I am.
XAELEST
Aln, if it’s just a lens flare, you don’t need a physical review, just some extra-ocular light therapy to reset the retina.
ALN
What’s this now?
XAELEST
Stick a torch in your ears for an hour. You’ll be fine.
ALN
Can’t you do it?
XAELEST
You don’t need me to do it. You can do it.
ALN
Ah. I’d rather you did it.
[Pause] Also, I have a rather embarrassing chafing in the nether regions, any chance of some ointment to put that to rights?
XAELEST
[Sigh] I’ll . . . take a look at that for you.
ALN
Marvellous! I’ll be docking shortly.
[SOUND: call ended]
XAELEST
[Sigh] I should have taken the vomiter.
[SOUND: scene transition]
[SOUND: lab ambience]
DAKARAI
Hi, gorgeous.
XAELEST
Rai, please can you hold the bleep for half an hour?
DAKARAI
Me?! What about Faye?
XAELEST
I need to take her with me as a chaperone. Calyxy says she’s seen enough trundle ‘nether regions’ to last her a lifetime.
DAKARAI
[Disgusted noise] Now, that’s a mental image I’m not sure I needed.
XAELEST
If it’s an urgent call just tell them to come in. If not, take their details and we’ll call them back.
DAKARAI
Fine. But if it makes me jump and I spill some of this solution, I’m blaming you.
[SOUND: bleep handed over]
XAELEST
Thank you. We won’t be long.
[SOUND: footsteps]
Call me if you need me!
[SOUND: door]
DAKARAI
[Shouting after her] How?! You’ve left your bleep behind!
[SOUND: bleep]
Already?!
[SOUND: bleep buttons, typing, outgoing call, connected]
DOC ROSE
Doc Rose, Bennu Practice.
DAKARAI
Hiiii, my name’s Dakarai Solari. I’m returning a bleep from The Vesta Clinic. Both our clinicians are busy at the moment, but I’m happy to take a referral and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.
DOC ROSE
So you’re not a doctor?
DAKARAI
Uh, I am a medical doctor. I have a research role at the clinic.
DOC ROSE
Oh. Cool. Well, hi, Dr Solari. Do you know much about tartdigrades?
DAKARAI
Oh, tardigrades? Big or little?
DOC ROSE
Big.
DAKARAI
I do. Tell me more. I’m going to take some notes while you talk, okay?
DOC ROSE
Sure thing, Doc.
[SOUND: typing]
We’ve got a whole group of them staying with us on Bennu. It’s a small town out here, pretty much just us humans. When we get guests, word gets round. Turns out they’re all buddies with the teacher’s kid, Hamaya [ham-eye-ah]. Now, [a hint of pride] she studies on the Moon.
DAKARAI
Which moon?
DOC ROSE
The Moon. The original and still the best, as far as I’m concerned.
DAKARAI
I’m Martian. So . . .
DOC ROSE
I won’t hold that against you, son.
[Aside] PHOEBE, WHAT? AGAIN? You tell Michael to stop licking ore and he’ll stop seeing faces in the stars.
[Back to the call] Sorry, I got one of my regulars in the waiting room.
DAKARAI
No worries. What’s the tardigrade’s problem?
DOC ROSE
Well, Hamaya, she’s got these friends from the Moon. Big bastards. I ain’t never seen nothing like them. Friendly, though, and they came to the bar last night because they’re leaving today. I don’t know if they’ve got eyes, but they sure can play rackhole pretty damn well.
DAKARAI
And what’s the medical issue?
DOC ROSE
Well, today, Hamaya comes hooting into my waiting room. They’re trying to get back in cryo, to go back to the Moon - the Moon - and one of her friends, it can’t get to sleep. It’s curling up alright, just like the rest of them, but the freezer ain’t working.
DAKARAI
Hm . . .
DOC ROSE
I checked them over, suggested we try a different freezer. But it ain’t that. I woulda checked them over more thorough-like, but I didn’t know where to start.
[ASIDE] PHOEBE, DARLIN’, I’M TRYNA GET THIS FANCY MAN TO TELL ME HOW TO FIX HAMAYA’S LITTLE BUDDY. What? You know, Phoebe, if Greg really didn’t wanna trouble me, he’d stop accidentally chopping his finger off!
DAKARAI
Sounds like you have somewhere to be.
DOC ROSE
Yeah, no kidding. What do you think about that tartdigrade?
DAKARAI
Why don’t you call us back when you’re less busy?
DOC ROSE
Can do, Doc.
DAKARAI
Um - the only thing I was thinking - did they drink alcohol?
DOC ROSE
Did they?! [Laugh] They nearly cleaned Nikita out of her spirits!
DAKARAI
I’m just thinking, Alcohol has a lower freezing point. They might need to drink some water and wait out the intoxication before they’ll freeze properly for cryo.
DOC ROSE
Goddamn, Doc.
DAKARAI
Just a thought.
DOC ROSE
Huh. Hungover kids.
DAKARAI
Not just a human thing.
DOC ROSE
Cheers, Doc. I’ll give you a call if that doesn’t work.
DAKARAI
No worries -
DOC ROSE
MICHAEL, PUT DOWN THAT ROCK!
[SOUND: comms call ended]
[SOUND: scene transition]
[SOUND: door, footsteps x2, lab ambience]
DAKARAI
Don’t talk to me. I’m pipetting.
XAELEST
Stop pipetting.
FAYE
It’s bad luck to come between a scientist and their pipettes, Xael.
DAKARAI
Done! How was it?
XAELEST
Ugh. The less said, the better.
FAYE
I’ll demonstrate.
DAKARAI
[Disgusted noises]
XAELEST
It wasn’t that bad.
FAYE
You were standing there with a light in his ear! Laughing at me.
XAELEST
I wasn’t laughing at you.
Did anyone bleep?
DAKARAI
Just one. About a drunk tardigrade. They might call back later.
XAELEST
Big or little?
[SOUND: bleep]
DAKARAI
Big.
[SOUND: alarm]
[Shocked] Thaumasia’s testicles.
FAYE
Is that - ? Actually?
XAELEST
Yes.
NOSL11’s coming.
[MUSIC: The Vesta Clinic Theme]
This episode of the Vesta Clinic was created by AMC. It starred AMC, Kamen Cooley-Greene, Christopher Stoops, Ruby Campbell and Sec as himself. Music by AMC and Ruby Campbell.
Please check out our show notes for content warnings, transcripts, and your prescription of: rare and surprising emojis.
This episode was inspired by submissions from our wonderful listeners: check the show notes for the full list of names!
If you enjoyed this episode and would like to help the show reach more ears, please tell someone who loves podcasts to check into the Vesta Clinic. You can also follow us on your social media of choice at @vestaclinicpod!
A huge thank you to our Patreon supporters. We hope you enjoy this week’s bonus story and bloopers like this one:
CHRIS
She’s got these friends from the Moon . . . big bastards. [They scream laughing]
Content warnings: Sexually suggestive patient pushing boundaries; reference to vomiting; hallucinations; reference to traumatic amputation of finger; reference to alcohol consumption
