23. Code Squeaky
Date: 30/1/2733
Patient: Calyxy L’Torra, Vestafolk
Patient ID: 1000000
Presenting Complaint: General medical review
Cometh the saviour, cometh the scientist!
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To avoid spoilers, content warnings are available at the bottom of this page!
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Transcript
FAYE
That was nice, wasn’t it?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Weird. But -
[SOUND: incoming comms call]
Could you get that, please?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[SOUND: comms call connected]
DAKARAI
She’s going to agree with me, Xaelest. Sure as Sagittarius.
FAYE
Hello?
XAELEST
Right. This is serious. We are adopting a kill on sight policy.
DAKARAI
[Vehement] We are not.
FAYE
That . . . seems excessive.
XAELEST
The amount of damage a single squikir could do is obscene. What if it gets into the pharmacy store and we lose valuable medicine? Or chews through the wires keeping the gravity on? Or Sec!
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen]
FAYE
I agree! That would be a disaster but we don’t necessarily need to kill it to stop it from doing those things.
XAELEST
It could be having squikir babies as we speak. It needs to go.
DAKARAI
Xaelest, murder is simply not in my nature. I couldn’t.
FAYE
Yeah, same.
XAELEST
You can. And you will.
DAKARAI
I’m not killing it. This is the universe’s way of telling me what I have long understood: I deserve a little pet.
XAELEST
Rai -!
[SOUND: Door opens, Calyxy footsteps]
CALYXY
Faye, I’ve just seen it go into the vents from the waiting room.
[SOUND: door closes]
FAYE
Oh.
XAELEST
Say that again?
CALYXY
It’s in the vents, Dr Adra.
XAELEST
Right. Rai?
DAKARAI
No way. Nuhuh.
XAELEST
Rai.
FAYE
[To Calyxy] We’re going to sort it. Catch it, or something.
CALYXY
It’s a good job you’ve put my fluid pressure tablets up. This is going to send me into an early decimation.
[SOUND: Calyxy footsteps, door opens, Calyxy footsteps, door closes]
XAELEST
I’m going to work out how to poison it without harming our patients.
DAKARAI
Stars, Xael.
FAYE
That’s vaguely terrifying.
XAELEST
Kill. On. Sight.
[Pause]
Call me if you need me.
[SOUND: comms call ends]
[Silence]
DAKARAI
[Whispering] Has she gone?
FAYE
[Whispering] I think so?
DAKARAI
[Whispering] Why are we whispering?
FAYE
[Whispering] I don’t know.
DAKARAI
[Whispering] I’m not going to kill it.
FAYE
[Whispering] Me neither.
DAKARAI
[Whispering] Deal.
FAYE
[Whispering] Deal.
DAKARAI
[Whispering] Good luck, soldier.
FAYE
[Whispering] And to you.
[SOUND: Comms call disconnected]
[SEC: typing on screen]
Oh, don’t let her scare you! If I was building a computer in which my eternal consciousness was to be stored, I would reinforce those cables. I think you’re safe.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Oh, um, speaking of eternal consciousness . . .
[SEC: questioning ping]
I still haven’t heard anything from Captain Endora. I’ve checked, it doesn’t even say that the message has been received so . . .
[SEC: typing on screen]
Is that a thing? Really? A military blackout?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Huh. Well, I just wanted to let you know. I did try.
[SEC: typing on screen]
[Laugh] Your cables will be fine! Of course, she’s right, we do need to do something about this issue before the satellite is completely overrun with squikir. But I don’t think we need to kill it. Usually when Xael says ‘call me if you need me’ it’s to preserve life, I’m a little bit disturbed by this new -
[SOUND: scraping/scurrying]
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen, questioning ping]
[Scared laugh] Uh . . . I think so! I guess it is in the vents. . . I don’t think - There’s nothing I can do, right? I’m not taking the ventilation tubing apart and there’s only one grille thing above you, here, which I don’t think even opens.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Oh it does?
[SEC: typing on screen]
The prof used to adjust the vents for you? Clearly I haven’t been treating you like the royalty you are.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen, questioning ping]
Right. Yes. Let’s do it. It feels weird talking about Calyxy when she’s just out there.
Date: 30/1/2733
Patient: Calyxy L’Torra, Vestafolk
Patient ID: 1000000
The squikir is the reason for Calyxy’s review today. At some point during the two standard ten-days since the engineer’s visit, our bioscanner has broken. We don’t know when. We . . . could have been exposed to anything.
[SEC: typing on screen]
I know. Fortunately, no-one has been experiencing any infectious symptoms. Though, during my own screening this morning, Xaelest sounded a little bit too sincere when she asked me if I’d considered that I might be being piloted by a fungus which is making my decisions for me.
[SEC: typing on screen]
I know. She was brutal with her swabs as well.
Um, right. Let’s just -
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Yeaah. Let’s try again.
It was a pleasure to review Calyxy today as part of an infection screen following a bioscanner malfunction at the clinic. I, of course, know Calyxy well in a professional capacity, but she was happy to share her medical records with me for the purpose of the review today. Calyxy is the only member of staff who has left the clinic since the scanner stopped working, as she lives on the nearby asteroid of Vesta, therefore it was important to have a thorough review to ascertain her risk of infections and to protect future patients.
‘This is weird!’ I said as she got herself comfortable in the patient chair.
‘Do you start like that with all of your patients, Dr Underwood?’ She tutted at me, and assured me that it was hardly her first time on this side of the equation. She apparently used to have regular health reviews with the Professor. ‘And vice versa, of course.’ She said.
I asked her what she meant by that and her eyes narrowed at the end of their stalks. She tilted her head to fix her gaze on me. ‘I was their nurse.’
[SEC: typing on screen]
Right -
[SEC: typing on screen]
[SOUND: scurry/scratch as the creature comes back in the vents again]
Shh, shh! Oh my stars, it’s really up there!
Um . . .
[SEC: typing on screen]
Right. Yes. I ran Calyxy through an infection screen. She had no symptoms of head or neck ache, no visual changes, no chest symptoms, no abdominal pain, no changes to her hard excrement, no skin changes, no changes in her usual joint pain, no fevers and no weight loss.
The only symptom of note which came out during the history was that Calyxy has noticed crystals in her wet excrement. They are described as thin, celadon needles which, thankfully, do not hurt to pass, though there is some associated discomfort. They sink in the excrement pipe and she has noticed that they will dissolve with time.
She told me that she’d had these once before, when she was on diuretics for high blood pressure and and smidge of heart failure after her heart attack.
‘A heart attack?!’ I spluttered.
‘To be honest,’ Calxyxy told me, ‘I’m just lucky it wasn’t a stroke.’
She told me about how it happened, the conditions she was working under were untenable. Plus, the divorce and her offsprings’ reactions to it . . .
‘I was at Xander’s funeral,’ She told me. I assume Xander is -
[SEC: typing on screen]
The Professor’s brother, yes. The military one.
[SEC: affirmative ping]
The Prof saw Calyxy at their brother’s funeral and zeroed in on her. They told her they’d heard about her heart attack and knew it had been caused by the stress of her current role and life changes. The professor offered her a job in the new clinic they were setting up near her home asteroid. They employed her, cared for her. Managed to deprescribe - and I quote: all of her nasty fluid pressure medications. She ended up delivering most of their chemotherapy.
[Pause]
I could see how much they meant to each other.
[SEC: affirmative ping, typing on screen]
I’m sure they cared for each other very much.
Um. Calyxy’s past medical history includes osmotension, myocardial infarction and stalactitic arthritis.
Her current medications include: aspagrelor, carbostatin, eranilopril and regular over the counter analgesia.
[SOUND: doors open, Calyxy footsteps, doors close]
FAYE
Oh, hello. We were just talking about you.
CALYXY
Have you got it yet?
FAYE
No, but it is in those vents, we’ve heard it.
[SEC: affirmative ping]
CALYXY
Ugh. I hope you get it soon. I’ve just had to physically remove Xaelest from the pharmacy store. Stars knows what she was concocting.
Can you sign these new acquisitions for me?
FAYE
Yeah of course, take a seat if you like.
[SOUND: tapping on a tablet screen, ping and whoosh as things are signed]
CALYXY
You’ve got me all sentimental today.
FAYE
[Absently] Oh, yeah?
CALYXY
Aerglo would probably have wanted to keep the horrible little thing as a pet.
FAYE
That’s what Rai wants to do.
[SOUND: more signing]
CALYXY
They always were soft like that.
FAYE
Oh, really?
CALYXY
Oh, yes. Did I ever tell you how we first met?
FAYE
No, I don’t think so?
CALYXY
They were a medical student still, but Xander was one of my patients. Aerglo used to sneak in using their badge after visiting was over. They asked so many questions, some of my junior nurses hated it. I thought it was sweet, mostly. I only kicked them out one time and it was because they thought it would cheer their brother up if they snuck the family cat onto the ward.
FAYE
[Laugh] That’s very fair. Did you work together before this place?
CALYXY
Oh, yes. We worked together on that same surgical ward after they graduated.
[SEC: typing on screen]
They did. They hated the job. But they were fantastic at it regardless. Imagine the opposite of Xaelest, that’s Aerglo.
FAYE
Xael’s good!
CALYXY
She’s mellowed a little now. She was a bona fide stalactite in the stoma when she first arrived here. Acting like she was above it all, better than everyone.
FAYE
Really?
CALYXY
Oh, yes. I was nervous when you first started in case you were going to be the same. Aerglo would never let you feel like they were better or more important than you, even if they were.
[SEC: typing on screen]
FAYE
They sound -
I wish I could have met them.
CALYXY
They were special. They were.
I ended up moving away from the hospital where I first met them both - St Eurus, it was - so Trip, my ex-husband, had a shorter commute. Aerglo had long since moved on, but I ended up treating them as a patient too when they had their first surgery. [Little laugh] I’ll never forget the look on their face when I entered their room. I think they thought they were hallucinating.
FAYE
It’s a small solar system.
CALYXY
That it is. We kept in touch after they were discharged. Until their brother passed.
FAYE
That must have been so difficult.
CALYXY
Oh, yes. It was a challenging time for us both. I think - I think Aerglo was starting to come to terms with the nature of their disease. They told me once, that each one of their cells was a timer and they could feel them all ticking.
FAYE
When did it come back?
CALYXY
Oh, they had a good five orbits. Got this place established.
FAYE
It must have been awful.
CALYXY
They lived fearlessly . . . I don’t think they thought that it would come back. Not really.
FAYE
I don’t know how they kept . . . doing this. All of it.
CALYXY
Oh, Vestiva forbid they stop working. Even right at the end - I . . . I suspected -
You know we found them in the laboratory? Stars knows what they were doing down there -
[SOUND: scuttling, gnawing, the creature has returned]
Oh, FAYE! Get rid of it! It’s chewing!
[SOUND: chair]
FAYE
I’m sure it’s not! It’s -
[SOUND: the creature runs off]
CALYXY
[disturbed] I’m going to go take my chances in the waiting room! You can bring those to me whenever you’re ready.
FAYE
It’s okay, I’m done.
[SOUND: tapping, one last signature, Calyxy’s footsteps]
CALYXY
Xaelest is right. If you haven’t caught it in the next few hours, we’re going to need drastic action.
FAYE
This is really bringing out a side of you both I never thought I’d see.
[SOUND: door open, Calyxy’s footsteps]
CALYXY
Xaelest from a few orbits ago would have been crawling through those vents to kill it herself.
[SOUND: Doors close]
FAYE:
Stars.
[Pause]
You okay?
[SEC: affirmative ping, typing on screen]
Are you sure you don’t have anything? No notes? No medical records? No appointment dates even? If Calyxy was administering chemotherapy there must be a record somewhere, Sec!
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
I’m not saying that you have it. I know you’ve checked. I’m just saying that it must exist.
Um, where were we? Before all of that?
[SEC: typing on screen]
Urine crystals, yes. Upon further questioning, it would appear that during the last few weeks Calyxy has been experiencing increased stress related to her new neritopod offspring, and has been over-eating Halite Bites, a rock-salt snack popular with Vestafolk.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
I licked one, once. It burned. Felt like all of the moisture in my body tried to leave through my tongue.
[SEC: negative ping]
Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend them. Um. Her body is reacting to the excess salt consumption by leeching the salt out into her urine where it crystallises due to the high concentrations. She probably had these same symptoms before when she was on a diuretic because that does the same thing, reducing fluid pressure by making urine more salty.
Oh, speaking of her fluid pressure. It was high again today. Probably a result of the stress and the salt. She has agreed to increase her eranilopril and we will monitor her fluid pressure again in a standard ten-day.
[SOUND: Gnawing, close and urgent]
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen, questioning ping]
Okay, yeah.
[SOUND: chair]
[SEC: typing on screen]
Yep. Good point. Oh my stars. Okay.
Can you - ?
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Can you block off the vents at all? Like, either side of this section?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[SOUND: metallic clang]
Okay, I’m going to open this thing. You said the Prof could do it, right?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Wait, I need gloves! I don’t want to touch it with my bare hands.
[SOUND: She gets gloves and puts them on, slight creak and she stands on the desk, ventilation grille is opened, scratching and scurrying]
And a light.
Okay. I’m going in.
[Pause]
What . . . is that?
[SEC: questioning ping]
[SOUND: rustling]
Okay . . . um. I don’t know how to say this . . . but I don’t think the Prof was adjusting the vents for you . . . What?
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen]
Uh, it’s a comms kinda hard drive thing and . . . some kind of - ? I - don’t know. And . . . oh my stars, chocolate?! No wonder the squikir is hanging around up here! Oh! The squikir!
Oh, oh my stars. I can see it.
Can you call Rai?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[SOUND: outgoing comms call, call connected]
Dr Solari! I have a code squeaky in the clinic room!
DAKARAI
I am on my way!
[SOUND: call disconnected]
[SEC: typing on screen]
FAYE
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
[SOUND: grille reinstalled, FAYE climbs down off the desk]
Where do I put this?
[SEC: questioning ping]
Well he’s going to want to know why I suddenly have chocolate in my clinic room, Sec. It’s the kind of thing people notice!
[SEC: typing on screen]
Okay, yes.
[SOUND: She hides it in the pharmacy cupboard]
Okay. Let’s - let’s wrap up.
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[SOUND: gnawing]
Oh my stars, I should have left the chocolate up there.
Turn your camera on, can you see this?
[SEC: file open sound, affirmative ping]
Do you know what it is? It’s such a weird shape.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
Right, yeah. I’ll work it out. I need to charge this comms as well.
Um. Calyxy, right . . . Calyxy has agreed to doubling the dose of her eranilopril and I have booked her in for another review shortly. From the history and examination - which, oh, damn, I don’t think I even talked about?
[SEC: negative ping]
From the history and normal clinical examination, it appears that the current risk of infection is low. Her blood results are normal and we will follow-up with the results of the swabs taken. Calyxy knows to inform myself or Dr Adra if she begins to develop symptoms of infection such as fever, cough, headache, vomiting, bowel changes or hot, swollen joints.
[SOUND: door opening, hurried footsteps]
DAKARAI
FEAR NOT, GENTLE SQUIKIR! COMETH THE SAVIOUR, COMETH THE SCIENTIST.
FAYE
[Laughing]
Signed,
Dr Faye Underwood
The Vesta Clinic
[MUSIC: The Vesta Clinic Theme]
This episode ofThe Vesta Clinic was created by AMC. It starred AMC as Faye Underwood, Ruby Campbell as Xaelest Adra and Calyx L’Torra, Kamen Cooley-Greene as Dakar Solari and Sec as himself
Music by AMC and Ruby Campbell. Please check out our show notes for content warnings, transcripts, and your prescription of: a charming photo of a loved one. If you enjoyed this episode and would like to help the show reach more ears, please tell someone who loves podcasts to check into the Vesta Clinic. You can also follow us on your social media of choice at @vestaclinicpod!
A huge thank you to our Patreon supporters. We hope you enjoy this week’s bonus story and bloopers like this one:
RUBY: … their brother up if they snuck the family cat onto the ward.
AMC: [Laughing] [Unintelligible] - they snogged the family cat on the ward.
RUBY: [Laughs] I would kick them out for that to be fair.
AMC: [Laughs] The Professor was a pervert!
Content Warnings: Discussions of death; discussions of hereditary terminal illness; divorce; death of a family member; rodent-like creature sound effects; discussion of killing an animal
